Sunday, 26 April 2009

• I am feeling so random and analytical lately...

  I have had insomnia really bad lately and it has turned me into a person who analyzes everything.  It can be annoying at times.  My friend Rob made a comment to me the other day that stayed in my mind.  He said: "I remember when you used to say that you were going to live alone for the rest of your life and that you were at peace with that".  I did used to say that a lot and it was my plan.  Since then I began to analyze what changed in my life to make me veer from that plan.  I know the plan sounds kind of hard core, but I have always been somewhat of a loner.  Here's how I always reconciled that: I figured that I spent so much time with people in my academic and work life that I needed to have a lot of time to myself to keep my life in balance.  I have always been very independent (for example, my mom told me that on my first day of school I didn't cry or anything.  I just said: "Bye, mom.  See you later." and walked into my class.  All of the kids around us were crying and clinging to their parents, but I was fine) and being alone has always been my first choice. 
  
  I basically have lived in my head for as long as I can remember and letting people into my life has never been my strong suit.  I moved around a lot as a child and never truly let anyone in.  I have always had so many walls up around me, that I used to compare myself to frickin' Fort Knox.  LOL.    It has always been hard for me to let people into my life and let them get to know the real me (the real me is a whole lot quieter and introspective than the me most people know).  Only a select few truly know me (I actually can count them on one hand). 
  
  Right now I feel so conflicted about the changes in my life between a year ago and now.  I feel like I should take a step back and examine some of my recent choices.  I just want to be true to myself.  It is definitely time for introspection.  I don't know how long it will take, but I will say that the process has already begun.  Self-analysis, bring on the clarity - Woo hoo!!!  Wish me luck.    --VC77
  

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